God bless everybody.
Apples! Help an old lady. Buy an apple.
Bless you, mister.
A nickel. Thank you, Mr. Rockefeller!
You lousy cheapskate.
Apples! Apples!
Tallulah!
Tallulah, good luck tonight!
Apples! Apples, madam?
Buy an apple? An apple, madam?
Apples? Apples?
Apples?
Apples... Apples...
- Where'd you pick him up? - He's the new fella.
- Working the subway, huh? - He didn't pay you yet, did he?
I gave you five bucks last month.
Five bucks every month if you work Broadway, buster.
Hey, that's seven. Two of that's mine.
Yeah, Soho.
A nice long letter.
- Did it come today? - Yeah. I'll pass it around.
Now get going over to the Casino. There's a matinee.
New joke?
(cackles)
(car hoots)
- Hi, Smiley. - Hi, Annie. Been looking for you.
Dave the Dude wants to see you at Rudy Martin's.
- # Happy days... - Annie...
- I ain't paid this month. I'm a little short. - Sure you are.
Comes Christmas time, what you beg you put in the Santa Claus box.
- I know. I'm a sucker. - You are.
- Any mail? - Yeah. Over at the Casino.
Don't forget the Dude.
- Thanks, Annie. - Aw, shut up.
# P-racticality D-oesn't interest me
# Love the life that I lead
# I've got a pocketful of miracles
# And with my pocketful of miracles
# One little miracle a day is all I need
# T-roubles more or less B-other me, I guess
# When the sun doesn't shine
# But there's that pocketful of miracles
# And with my pocketful of miracles
# The world's a bright and shiny apple
# That's mine, all mine
Dude sent word he wants me.
On top of everything else, this one shows up.
All right. You got 14 fifths of Scotch... Just sit down, Annie. Five of the bourbon...
You know, Joy Boy, this morning was the first time I ever been to a funeral.
- Do you believe there's a life after? - Five of the gin and...
Why are you sittin' there like a dummy? Why don't you write it down?
If I could write I'd be in the navy.
Where's the Dude?
What is it with you? You can't wait 12 seconds?
You got an appointment at the beauty parlor with that mop?
Here, give me that. I'll write, you count.
- If I could count I'd be in the army. - (both laugh)
Why don't you laugh? It's funny.
If I could laugh I wouldn't have heartburn.
(explosion)
Wanna know why Rudy Martin was found in the river? There it is.
50 G's worth of I.O. Thems to the gambling boys. Hello, Annie.
There's a note. "Thanks for everything. Take care of my baby Queenie."
- What's "baby Queenie"? - Maybe he left you a horse.
- There's a Queenie running at Hialeah. - That's right. Hey, Powder!
- Thanks a lot. You did a good job in there. - For you, Dude, any time, boy.
Annie, is that the biggest apple you got? I need a triple shot of luck today.
This apple'll make the birds sing for you again.
I tell you, kid, you get another sucker like my boss, you can retire altogether.
This could only happen to a smart guy like you.
There's a man who owns a joint, gets knocked off owing you $20,000.
And on top of that, you get stuck for the funeral bill. Go figure that.
Fine thing you did, giving a poor soul a Christian burial.
Here's luck for you.
Something good's gonna happen to you now. Something real good.
(Joy Boy) Yeah. You could break a leg.
You give up panhandling, I'll give up bootlegging,
and you and me will run this speak together. Could be a gold mine, Annie.
No, I'm not kidding, Annie. Come on, let's see your gams.
- Oh, boy. Whoopee! - How about that, huh?
- Hello, suckers! - You old chiseling moocher.
- Here. Here's a fiver for your apple. - God bless you, Dude.
Annie, will you tell me, why do I always believe that your apples bring me luck?
Can you tell me?
Because the little people like you.
- What little people? - Oh, you can't see 'em.
They live in dreams.
Little people like me, huh? Why?
Because they like children, beggars and poets.
And that makes me a poet?
You want to believe in something.
Right now it's my apple.
So, the little people jump in it, see?
That's why this apple will bring you luck.
Why, you old con dame. Here's the only thing you believe in.
- There you go, Annie. - God bless you, Dude. God bless you.
- And bring you luck straightaway. - All right.
Hey, Annie! You stay away from those gin bottles. You hear me?
- I never touch it. - Yeah, sure.
- Are you Mr. Dave the Dude? - I am. Don't drip on my suit.
What is this? Grand Central? Junior, close that door. There's liquor in here.
You lookin' for a job in the chorus, kid? The joint's closed, so try someplace else.
- And lock it! - I read this in a Maryland paper.
"Rudy Martin, gangland victim, was buried today."
"Dave the Dude arranged his funeral."
- Maryland? Old Rudy really got around. - I beg your pardon?
If you got money comin' to you, the Dude is not pickin' up the tab for Rudy's bills.
- Now be a nice girl. Take a walk. Bye. - Rudy Martin was my father.
You're Rudy's kid?
- You're Queenie? - Yeah. Well, that's what Papa called me.
Hey! She ain't a horse!
- Why didn't you show at the funeral? - I just read about it.
- You ain't pulling a fast one on me? - Mr. Dude, I'm here because of you.
Papa came to see me last month and he was very worried.
He said "Queenie, if anything happens to me, here's the lease to my club."
"Give it to Dave the Dude. He's a right guy and I've got to pay him back."
So here it is. It's all signed and everything.
That's very nice, but the joint's in hock up to here.
The inventory won't pay for the flowers, so the lease is worth about a quarter.
Miss Martin, "Papa" owes me $20,000,
and a lot more to some guys who don't laugh so easy.
- That much? - That much.
Well, I've got a few dollars in the bank.
What I make at the cafeteria, I could manage five dollars a week.
- A cafeteria? - I'm cashier there.
The next one Howard... uh, Mr. Porter opens, I'm gonna be manager.
Then I could give you a little more.
- It's five whole dollars. - The lucky apple is working already.
- Very big. - It's the best I can do.
Goodbye, Mr. Dude. Thank you for being Papa's friend.
Yeah. I mean...
That's the first broad I ever seen who wanted to do something for you.
You know, maybe...
- Miss? - Hey, Dude! No! Come here!
You know, at $5 a week it'll take you 200 years to pay off your father's debt.
- I don't care if it takes a thousand years. - Take it easy. I got an idea.
(Joy Boy) For my boss it was the lucky apple that brought Queenie into his life.
Go figure - he's got a thing about Annie's apples.
So the Dude shoots the bankroll and promotes Queenie into a nightclub star.
Much to my surprise she ain't too bad.
And you know what? The club begins to make money.
And Queenie begins to pay off her papa's debts. Go figure that one.
By the second year, the club is a sensation.
(applause)
We're in the big dough.
Step back. The elevator's coming up.
We're gettin' so big, the opposition begins playin' games with us.
The Dude kisses the old apple, but I know better: I kiss the iron doors.
(party horns)
But it was too good to last.
Suddenly the law pulls the rug out from under us bootleggers.
- Another dollar? - Stop squawkin', stop squawkin'.
I only raised you one buck. Tonight you can afford it.
Liquor's legal. The whole town's on a binge.
- # Baby, baby, baby - (chorus) # Baby, baby, baby
- # Baby, baby, baby - # Baby, baby, baby
- # I love you - # I love you
# Hope you love me too
Ooh!
All right, you wonderful bunch of ex-lawbreakers.
This is the last night, the last song, and the last bottle's on the house!
Hurray!
(# lively band music)
Does that mean we'll be playin', Dude?
- You are a genius. You are a genius! - I know. Now tell me what happened.
- The big man is here. - I told you so, huh?
- And he's waitin' for you. - Let him wait.
- What man? - I told you to find Apple Annie.
I spread the word with the BBC - Beggars' Broadcast...
- Move it! - Yes, sir.
What are you gonna do? Wait around for some apple? What's the matter with you?
Listen, Dave. The big man don't wait easy. He could get very nasty.
- He could put on them dark cheaters. - I'm not leaving here until I get my apple.
All right. OK.
I'll go look in a few gutters myself.
Herbie!
Shh!
- Did you get it? - Don't I always?
- Classiest stationery in the house. - God bless you, Herbie.
A blind man could read that. "Hotel Marberry."
- Give it to me. - When are you expecting another letter?
The mail boat comes in tomorrow.
You know, I could get fired for stealing your letters.
Herbie, you mustn't get fired. Please don't get fired.
Who keeps writing you from Spain, anyway?
None of your business.
A heavy lover, eh, Annie?
Yeah. King Alfonso.
But keep it quiet. The queen gets very jealous.
(both guffaw)
(knocking)
Well!
It's been two years I've been waiting for one like that. Come here, you.
Oh, Queenie.
(both) Mmm...
- (muffled) Dude... - Mmm? What?
The doorknob's killing me.
The doorknob, huh?
You gorgeous stack of cupcakes. Come here.
- Now, Dude... - Come on now, Queenie. You started this.
I was trying to thank you for everything.
That's the way to kill a man, not thank him. Come here.
- What's this? A party? - It's the Fourth of July.
- In December? - It's freedom day for both of us.
- You're through selling liquor. - Now it's legal, it's no fun.
- I sold the club today. - You did?
Did you bring 'em? Papa's IOUs?
I brought 'em.
There you are.
The last of Papa's debts.
Now we put them in the Easter fire and we burn the past.
- Now you can make it Christmas, Dude. - Happy New Year. How?
By saying you meant it when you asked me to marry you.
Honey, I'll marry you. I'll fight Dempsey, kiss a cop, anything.
Let's get started. Two years is a long wait.
Saturday, darling. 10 A.M. Saturday we get married. It's all set.
You're kidding. Really married? Us?
The real us. No more Dude and no more Queenie. To David and Elizabeth.
Mr. and Mrs. Conway of Silver Springs, Maryland, and their flock of children.
- Maryland? - Yeah.
You know the house I was born in? I bought it for us a year ago.
- You keep a secret real good. - Honey, I want to be married there,
in Mama's wedding dress by the preacher who married them.
Maybe I should go out and get my violin.
(hums "Here Comes the Bride")
It's sappy, I know. But let me be sappy. I'm sick of being Queenie Martin.
Reverend Morgan's still down there.
He's 81 years old and he's still conducting Sunday services.
Dude, when I located him on the phone, he cried. Can you imagine?
I cried too. It was the wettest long-distance call...
Are you crying? I've never seen you cry.
When I'm happy - when I'm really happy - I'm a Niagara.
OK, Elizabeth. To us.
To the wedding in your mother's wedding dress... by the 81-year-old preacher.
- Oh, Dude, Niagara's coming! - Watch it. This stuff burns holes, baby.
- I'm sorry. - That's all right.
Oh, Queenie...
Dude, Annie's here. Let's go.
- Annie? - I'll be right out!
What do you need an apple for? What more luck do we need?
You just gave me a wedding present - the place in Maryland.
I'm gonna give you one. An all-year house on a silver platter.
- The whole city of New York. - I don't want New York.
I want a little town in Maryland where I can play the wife-and-mother bit.
You can shake this. You didn't want it in the first place.
- But I'm a man who needs a little action. - Action?
- Prohibition's over. - (knocking)
Hey, Dude, the man is waitin'.
- All right, all right. - What man? Who are you seeing tonight?
I'm making a meet with our future, sweetheart. Mr. Big himself.
- Not Darcey? - You're right. Darcey.
Dude, no. You're not going to Chicago?
No. The mountain is coming to the Dude. I'm not going to Chicago.
Darcey in New York? The police said they'd never let him in.
They didn't let him in. I did.
Please, not Darcey. He's an animal. He's a murderer. He's Public Enemy No.1.
- It's all headlines. - Dude, will you move it? Let's go.
Your car's outside. We can be in Maryland by morning. We can make it legal.
If you love me, don't depend on some witch's apples.
- Let's get away. We'll be real people. - Simmer down, sweetheart. Come on.
We go out into the sticks, what kind of work am I gonna do?
You're young. You can make a name, money...
What's money? I started at the bottom in this town and I'm going right up to the top.
I can outsmart those monkeys. I've been doing it all my life.
Ever since I escaped from that orphanage.
And why? Because I'm good and because I'm lucky.
I'm gonna be somebody, and you're gonna be somebody with me.
- (knocking) - I'm coming.
Dude, if you shack up with Darcey you can forget the wedding.
Isn't she gorgeous?
- Heads. - Oh!
- What's grabbin' her? - It's nothing. She just wants a lot of kids.
Kids? Boy, they're mean when they get on that kick.
Annie, where you been? Playing Chase Me Charlie?
And where were you Saturday? I couldn't beat a race.
God bless you, Dude. I wasn't feelin' so hot Saturday.
- Ginned up again? - No, Dude. Honest, I'm off the stuff.
About time. Dr. Michel says your kidneys are shot.
Aw, pooh. My kidneys are as good as new - better.
You think we could postpone this discussion of Annie's kidneys?
Lots of luck, Dude.
Save a lot of trouble if you bought the whole basket at once.
I gotta buy these apples one at a time just before I need 'em.
We were both bums until we found that out.
Let's go. Pick-up point, the warehouse.
God bless Dave the Dude.
God bless all my friends.
(horn)
That's the boss.
- Dude's here. Set? - Set.
- He's got his dark cheaters on, boss. - Uh-oh.
You're late.
Late for what?
Late for what? For 48 hours I've been knocking around in this cage
all the way from Chicago.
I'm seasick.
Don't any of you guys ever inhale?
Like being in solitary, only it moves.
Fine thing, some two-bit operator sends for me in his upholstered boxcar
and first thing you know, I'm being hauled all over the country like a side of beef.
- This your layout? - Yeah. I built it.
See these walls? Bulletproof.
In town it's neutral territory, even when there's a war on. I call it Little Switzerland.
What do the cops call it? They find me in this town, you can stop the presses.
There's ten vans just like this hauling real furniture around. Here you're safe.
That picture's ten years old.
Relax, Darcey. Take it easy. Be my guest.
Your guest? Ever occur to you that I could also be your prisoner? Ever think of that?
Yeah, I gave it a quick think.
Maybe you'd better give a long think to a guy by the name of Stiff Arm Sam.
He once thought he could hold me too.
Stiff Arm? The guy that walks around like this?
Yeah, with the blowtorch in the armpits.
That's right. That's my idea, the blowtorch.
It must've hurt.
It's against the law to carry firearms in New York, Darcey. Right, Joy Boy?
That's right. Here in New York you gotta have a permit.
- Nothin', boss. - Yeah. It's beginnin' to figure.
They tell me you've been operatin' ten years in this town without a pinch.
Yeah. Luck, Mr. Darcey. Pure luck.
I heard about the luck bit. The thing with the lucky apples.
The wise guys figure that's two strikes against you.
- Oh? - Yeah.
They say you gotta buy them lucky apples off of some little old lady, right?
And if something happens to her...
Could be like Samson gettin' his first haircut.
Look, Darcey. I got news for you. You see these apples?
I buy 'em by the crate at the nearest grocery store.
The wise guys want to believe these apples bring me luck,
it's two strikes against them.
You know about psychology, huh?
Yeah, I know about... whatever you call it.
It's like your dark glasses. You put those on, the boys sweat from here to Omaha.
Me? I use apples.
All right. Shall we quit clowning?
(both chuckle)
I like the way this kid operates, yeah.
Smart boy. Smart dresser, too.
- You like that? - Oh, yeah. It's rich.
- He likes it. - Mind if I try that on?
No. Why not? Give him a hand, Junior.
Hold it, Junior.
They say you're a smart operator.
Gotta give you credit. You won the first round. This is round two comin' up now.
- How does it look? - Great.
Nice color, huh?
Round two.
I got maybe eight, ten top candidates for this job.
All smart, tough, hard-headed guys, and I can take my pick of any one of 'em.
Now suppose you tell me, in ten words or less, like a telegram,
why should Steve Darcey give the New York territory to Dave the Dude?
Go ahead, talk.
- That's a good question. Right, Joy Boy? - Beautiful.
- Got an answer? - No.
- Got a question? - Yeah.
Ask it - in ten words, like a telegram.
Why should Dave the Dude give New York territory to Darcey?
That's eleven, but...
- Are you his mouthpiece? - Call me his doormat.
Why don't you lay down and act like one?
Darcey, Joy Boy happens to be my friend,
and all my friends are nine feet tall and make very bad doormats.
You bootleggers, you were nine feet tall.
All big fish in a little pond, but all of a sudden all the little ponds are dryin' up.
That's where the king comes in. I'm makin' me a national syndicate.
I'm gonna push some of you gaspin' sharks back in the water.
But it's gonna be my water. It'll cover the whole country.
- Deep water. - Deep, huh?
How deep? Dames? Dope? That's a little over my head.
Come on. That's bush league.
We're gonna operate from presidential suites.
We're gonna elect judges, contribute to charities, finance operas.
We're gonna be in the big, profitable business
of catering for all human weaknesses.
- What would be my cut? - Your cut? The New York territory?
Right down the middle. If you're the right guy.
He's the only guy.
There's one more little detail. We request the franchise holders to put up $50,000.
In small bills.
As a token of their good faith.
- Who's driving? - Herman.
- Herman? - Yeah.
Take Mr. Darcey anywhere he wants to go while he's in town. He's my guest.
- Drop me off at the nearest goods stop. - OK, boss.
Wait a minute. You're not interested?
No, not right now.
Because, you see, this is one fish that isn't jumping into anybody's pond
unless I'm paid $100,000 in cash as a token of your good faith.
You want the syndicate to pay you?
I'm the lucky one, remember?
All right, boys, let's go. We got some ponds that need watering real bad.
Oh, if you get an itch for any of those human weaknesses yourself, just holler.
This is my town, Darcey.
Wait a minute. Like I said, I like your style.
But you know the rules as good as I do, kid.
The king makes an offer, the king gets turned down, the king loses face.
On a king that coat looks good.
Wear it.
Sheeh!
That guy is gonna play on my side or he ain't gonna play at all.
If it was me, I'd warm up the blowtorch.
- Any mail? - Tomorrow.
(recites in Latin)
Ooh! He uses a blowtorch on people? What does he do - weld 'em?
King. I don't like that guy.
Be fun to take him apart, huh, Joy Boy?
Be a load of laughs. All the way up to our funeral.
(sighs)
(# "Arab Dance" from "The Nutcracker Suite" by Tchaikovsky)
Scat.
Scat. Scat.
Lying all over my poor baby's picture.
(kiss)
As if it were the only place to sleep.
My... darling...
Louise.
I just love Annie's music.
...the reception...
I gave...
for...
for... Lord... Ferncliffe.
(record sticks)
Here's to Lord Ferncliffe.
(record continues playing normally)
"You will notice I have increased your allowance this year."
"It breaks my heart that I have not been able to see you all these years,
but Dr. Michel still insists an ocean voyage could be fatal."
The old crab.
"Your stepfather thought he might be able to make the trip this year."
You didn't know you had a stepfather, did you?
Neither did I.
"The young man you wrote about sounds perfectly divine."
"I hope he loves you as much as you love him."
And as much as I love you,
my darling.
Herbie, the boat's in. Did you...
Where's your uniform?
You gin-guzzling witch. On account of you I got the sack.
- Herbie, you can't get fired. - Can't, eh?
They caught me putting your lousy letter in my pocket.
- Where is it? - What am I gonna tell my old lady?
- Where's my letter? - I don't know. They took it away from me.
Annie.
Annie! You can't go in there! Annie!
You must be in the wrong place, ma'am. Pedlars aren't allowed.
I beg your pardon.
Oh, my gracious stars.
I have some mail here. A letter?
From Barcelona, Spain?
- A letter? - It came for me this morning.
Are you stopping here, my good woman?
No, I'm not.
But I do have a letter here. Please.
- What is your name? - Mrs. E Worthington Manville.
Mrs. E Worthington Manville?
Wait here.
Mrs. E Worthington Manville.
Good afternoon, Mrs. Manville. Is there anything I can do for you?
There's a letter here for me. I'd like to get it.
A letter? Addressed to the Hotel Marberry?
Yes. I told that fella all about it.
Are you sure you're not mistaken, my dear lady?
No, I'm not mistaken. I've been getting my letters here for years.
Madam, you're not a guest of the Marberry, are you?
- Of course not. Any fool could see that. - Please, there's no necessity for shouting.
Then why don't you give me my letter? Why keep asking stupid questions?
Madam, I'm compelled to ask you to leave these premises.
- No. Not till I get my letter. - Shall I call the police, Mr. Cole?
Send for the police. I'm no criminal. I haven't done anything.
Please, mister. I don't want to make any trouble.
I just want my letter, that's all.
It's from my daughter, see.
It came all the way from Spain. She...
She thinks I'm somebody.
Please?
Lloyd.
Yes, Mr. Cole?
Do you recall a letter addressed to a Mrs. Manville?
- Mrs. E Worthington Manville. - E Worthington...
Why, yes. It came this morning.
- You see? I told you. - Let her have it.
God bless you. God bless you!
- What are you waiting for? Get the letter. - But I sent it back.
- You sent it back? - I returned it marked "Party not known".
You can't send it back. She'll find out that I don't live here. Don't you see?
Shh. Please.
- Has the mail gone out yet? - Yes. The boy picked it up a twinkle ago.
Look. There he is now.
Boy!
Boy! Yoo-hoo! Stop!
She can't do that in here. Stop her.
Don't put any more letters in that box!
(dog barks)
(manager) Where do you think you are? Madam!
There it is. I'd know it anywhere.
- Thank you, sir. - Leave this hotel at once.
Here.
Bless you, sir.
(car horns)
(car horns distorted)
(silence)
(distorted voices)
My letter. Where's my letter?
- Grab my hand. - Grab her hand. Here we go. Up.
- I'm all right. Let me go. - There you are.
(woman) Just as I said: with Prohibition repealed,
you'll see our streets full of nasty old drunks like that.
(car horns distorted)
Listen, Flyaway. Are you the smartest agent in town, or you're just a lot of talk?
Your butter I don't need.
You want four bodyguards? They get 100 a week, I get 100.
- With guns. - Then I get 200.
- Why you? They got the guns. - What's guns? I got the permits.
All right. They gotta be from out of town, dress nice and only shoot in self-defense.
You want four Tom Mixs.
- You don't owe me a favor? - Do I owe you a movie star?
You were in deep trouble. I sneaked you out of town in Little Switz.
- What do you want? My wife? - Which one?
Who do you want protected?
But he can't know nothin' about it.
The boss.
The Dude? I wouldn't do that for one million dollars!
- Hey, what are you talkin' about? - The Dude is hot.
I never was here. Get yourself the marines.
What? Hey, you creep, where are you goin'?
It was all over town in two minutes. He insulted a king.
King? What king?
Who remembers faces? I don't remember...
- Queenie. - It was open.
- Where's the king of New York? - Where you been?
The Dude's lookin' for you. He read Winchell.
Just returning a few items I won't need any longer.
Two kings of New York, and one needs a bodyguard? He ain't my client.
- (phone) - Flyaway, stay here. I gotta talk to you.
Hey, Flyaway, there's a 10G bonus.
Hello.
Junior, what do you want?
I am here with two representatives of our out-of-town friend, Mr. Bigelow.
- Bigelow? What Bigelow? - The Chicago Big... elow.
He wants to see the boss right away to negotiate a deal.
Holy cow. The deal is still on and the Dude ain't here.
Look, Junior, you gotta stall 'em, because I gotta think in my head.
Tell him to hurry up. Mr. B has a touch of mal de mer.
Mal de what?
Oh, you mean seasickness.
Just get the car and come right over. Wait a minute. He's gonna need an apple.
Stop off at Schubert Alley, get the bag and her apples. Don't stop to play stickball.
- You. There you are. - Hey, Dude. The man's on the phone.
The man wants to negotiate a deal!
- Is this true, what I read in Winchell's? - I suppose you can read.
Why, you two-timing dame. Are you leaving me for that cafeteria clown?
Yeah. The wedding's Saturday.
You two-timing dame. You ain't even been one-timed!
You ain't walking out on me after what I did for you.
I took you from nothing and made you into something.
So I could become a gangster's flashy moll? Not me, mister!
You ain't walking out on me. You hear me, Queenie? I'm Dave the Dude.
I'm not walking. I'm running!
Now you listen to me, Queenie. Watch it!
- You! - Watch it, Queenie.
- What are they doing? - Playing house. What, are you still here?
- The bodyguards. I just thought of four... - Look, I'm a busy man.
What's the matter with you? Take a walk! Out!
(smashing glass)
Flyaway!
No, you're not going out that door.
You owe me one thing, Queenie, and I'm gonna collect.
You ain't leaving here with that halo still on your head.
(Queenie squeals)
This place is like the inside of a goat's stomach. Hey, Dave? Dave?
Hey, Dave. Look, I don't wanna butt in. Excuse me for interruptin', Dave, but...
- Dave... - Man, you have the worst sense of timing.
I hate to interrupt,
- but I just got a message from Junior. - From Darcey? What did he say?
- Get me a pair of pants. - Change your own diaper!
I said pants me! And fix yourself up. Make yourself decent. What'd he say?
In front of her? She's marrying JP Cafeteria.
I don't care if she marries J Edgar Hoover. Now what did he say?
Dave, I could hardly believe it, but Darcey wants to meet with you again, right away.
- Didn't I tell you he'd come around? - Yeah, that he'd come around.
Look, this is worth millions. Let's not blow the whole cake to win a little crumb.
Will you stop worrying?
- Others pay him. Why should he pay you? - I'm Dave the Dude, not one of the others.
- Now go get Annie. - Yeah, go get Annie.
That's all taken care of. Junior's bringing her over right now.
- (car hoots) - Why don't you look where you're going?
(hooting)
(phone)
Yeah.
- We're on our way. - You're keepin' Darcey waitin'.
- So let him wait. - You can't. The man is king.
The king loses face, our heads go on display in the marketplace.
You've been reading books again. Where the hell is Annie?
Annie. Annie!
Big shots. Big dopes!
Your life depends on a beggar's apples, and this superstitious heel...
- Are you still here? - You'll wind up in the federal pen.
Or swimming with your feet in cement, like Papa.
- That's why I'm marrying Howard Porter. - Don't keep the groom waiting.
- Not another minute! - Get back in there.
- If I could only cry! - Queenie!
Dude, I can't find Apple Annie anywhere. She ain't nowhere, I'm telling you.
I hope she croaks!
What do you mean, you can't find her anywhere?
All you gotta do is ask any panhandler on Broadway.
- There ain't no panhandlers on Broadway. - What?
There ain't a beggar on the street.
It's scary. It's like Broadway was naked. I'm ashamed to look at it.
(Smiley) Hi, Mr. Dude, fellas.
Well, the Easter Parade's a little early this year.
- No panhandlers on Broadway, huh? - I didn't see 'em before, boss.
- I should drop dead... - Maybe you should.
It's only an expression.
- Any of you crumbs seen Apple Annie? - Yeah, I saw her.
One at a time. You.
- It's about Annie. - What about Annie?
- She's in a pickle. - Pickled. I can believe that.
Mallethead saw her on the waterfront, in the water looking.
She was stumblin' along, talkin' to herself.
She was sobbing. It's good I ran into her.
- So she got a package on. - It's worse than bein' swacked.
She was swiping stationery from the Marberry Hotel.
- And writin' letters to her daughter. - Daughter? That old bag?
(Dude) She's a woman, ain't she?
- What's this about a daughter? - Annie's got a daughter in Spain.
Raised in a convent since she was a baby.
- She's comin' to visit, bringing a count. - She's gonna marry a count or somethin'.
- What is this, a rib? - Annie sends her money every month.
And we've been lettin' her shake us down cos we knew.
We all are godfathers. We all got a piece of the kid.
We figure you're a godfather too. You got the biggest piece.
- Me? - You give Annie big tips for her apples.
- It's why her apples were lucky for you. - We got a business appointment to keep.
- You keep it. Just stall 'em. - How am I gonna stall 'em?
I'll be along as soon as I get my apple. Now move it. Move it.
- Where is Annie? - At her flop. I'll show you.
- Come on, Queenie. She may be sick. - Not me. I got a date with Howard Porter.
Never mind Howard Porter. I need you.
Maybe Annie needs you too, the way your old lady did.
- Now, just a minute. - Move it.
No panhandlers on Broadway! Keep your mind off that dizzy blonde of yours.
I don't think about her during the daytime, boss.
(drunkenly) Well, if it isn't my dear friend Dave the Dude and his charming broad.
She's just bagged again. Annie, you had me worried. Where's the bottle?
So nice of you to come. The butler will take your things.
Lovely estate you have here, Lady Chatterley.
It's nothing, really. Just something I keep for the hunting season.
Everybody's coming down for the hunting season, don't you know.
The flea hunt, isn't it?
What are you trying to do? Knock yourself off?
Doc Michel told you this paint'll poison you.
Dude, look. The old lady's had her moments.
This on the emmis? You really got yourself a kid?
Don't sit there slobbering. Answer me. Is this your kid?
- No. - Those crumbs, taking me for a sucker.
- (glass smashes) - Oh!
- My baby! - All right, Annie. Stand up. It's all right.
Dude knows all about it. He's a godfather too.
I don't want you casing the waterfront again.
I was born in a place like this and I don't wanna come back. That's why I need you.
What's all this malarkey about a kid?
She's coming over with a count. She's going to marry his son.
Royalty.
They're coming over to meet me.
Me.
Wait till they get a load of Apple Annie. That'll be a laugh. Eh, Dude?
Wait till they meet her crummy old lady. Eh, Queenie?
And see this dump.
Annie, you can't do this. Come on now, you old souse. Get up out of there.
Take it easy. She's an old souse maybe, but she's full of dreams.
- She's full of gin. Where are the apples? - Here are your lousy apples.
Old fool, getting herself in a jam like this.
Now come on, let's go.
You're acting like Darcey already. You can't leave her.
You want me to tuck her in bed? Sing her a lullaby? Come on.
And her daughter? By the time she gets here, she'll be in a psycho ward.
She'll sleep it off. She'll be all right in the morning. I'll send Dr. Michel. Come on.
What am I going to do, Queenie? What am I going to do?
Poor creep. Some Dude must've gotten in your blood once too.
(Dude) Come on, Queenie! I'm way past post time.
I got troubles, Annie, but boy, you... you need a miracle.
What am I going to do?
(Smiley) What are you gonna do, Mr. Dude?
- About what? - About Miss Annie.
- What do you expect me to do? - You could get her into the Marberry.
Apple Annie in the Marberry? You're crazy.
- Just for a week. - Now listen, Mr. Dude.
We already took up a collection, we did.
We all chipped in 65 bucks to get her in.
You did? Well, 65 bucks is a tip at the Marberry. You're all bats.
- What about your playboy friend? - Rodney Kent.
- He's got a penthouse at the Marberry. - You keep out of this. Move it, Junior.
Annie at the Marberry... I said move it!
His luck is gonna turn awful bad.
Apple, be lucky today.
All you little people in there, you start workin' real hard.
All right. When you get home, call Doc Michel to see Annie.
She'll be all right. She's on a bender, that's all.
Hmm? Ain't it a fact? You've seen her swacked before.
What the hell do I care? I got what I want: the city of New York.
This great big town and those heels that pushed me around, it's all mine now,
stretched right out on a silver platter.
Cos Darcey's come around to my way.
What do I need that old apple souse for anyhow?
You know, they say luck is superstition.
Nah, it ain't superstition at all. You know what it is?
Luck is an art. An art I got.
So I lose the old lady and her apples. So what?
Apple Annie at the Marberry Hotel?
What do you expect me to do, for cryin' out loud?
(clears throat)
Look, will you say something?
OK, Mr. Big Shot. Now keep your date with Darcey.
And no more gin, huh?
Hey, boss. These rich guys use chequers with horses on 'em.
Put that down!
I oughta have my head shrunk, doing this.
You at the Marberry! Why didn't you swipe stationery from the White House?
You could've said you were Eleanor Roosevelt.
- Whom did you wish to see, sir? - Is this here Rodney Kent's igloo?
This is Mr. Kent's penthouse, yes, but unfortunately Mr. Kent is in Havana.
He is? Well, where'd you get the idea that I give a hang where he is?
- I just assumed... - Come over here.
I'm gonna tell you something that'll make you wet all over.
Really?
I don't care anything about Rodney Kent.
I'm lookin' for Dave the Dude.
- Who is that? - He's here, ain't he?
Well... yes.
Well, what are you standin' there for, growin' in the carpet? Take me to him.
Wait here, will you, please?
There is no carpet.
Sir? A gentleman. Rather primitive.
You tryin' to make me crazy? What's goin' on?
Come here, come here.
- Where you been? - Where have I been?
- I've had to do everything myself. - I've been through a meat grinder.
For 24 hours I've been locked up in Little Switz
listening to that seasick gorilla. I'm alibiing like crazy.
- What are you alibiing for? - For you, for not showing up.
So I didn't show up. How'd you leave the big man, hm?
- Headfirst and landed in the gutter. - Good.
Says he won't talk to messenger boys. Says he barbecues them.
- Used the blowtorch, eh? - Says next time I'll be inside the shirt.
Bluffing, Joy Boy. That's his psychology. Pay no attention to him.
- What's this? - Meet the new queen of society.
This is Annie, the Duchess of Apples.
What's your daughter doing in Spain?
Who's her father?
Aw, boss, that ain't a polite question to ask a dame like Annie.
Wait a minute. You tellin' me Rodney Kent gave you his apartment for this owl?
Yeah. He's a bigger sucker than I am. He even threw in the butler.
Not against my will, sir. I love Cinderella stories. Don't you, sir?
Take a walk, huh?
- Junior, what happened to Queenie? - I don't know.
Dave, you gotta forget all this. You gotta meet with Darcey.
That's the deal of a lifetime. That's our living. What is all this?
I don't know. And I don't want you to tell me.
But what are you? A boy scout? Are you a tambourine shaker?
A million do-gooders are standin' in line to help the hardly-ables like Apple Annie.
Stay in there and pitch, sister.
You see, you're Dave the Dude, not Little Boy Blue.
What are you talking about? Little Boy Blue? Come here.
- Ain't she always been lucky for me, huh? - Yeah, yeah.
If I don't help her out of this jam, how long d'you think my luck would last?
You wanna help her? Help her. But you can't palm that crocodile off as society.
She couldn't fool a pedigree cocker spaniel.
- (Dude) We'd have to clean her up some. - Some? Look at her.
A ragpicker wouldn't stick his hook into her.
(door opens)
Well, here they are. The miracle workers.
Here's my maid, manicurist, hairdresser, chiropodist, masseuse,
and the pièce de résistance, Pierre of the Saxon Plaza. Pierre the divine.
- Take a bow, toots. - Madame.
All right, gang. Here's your challenge.
Come on, Annie. Stand up and meet your makers.
This has got to be a complete overhaul, kids, from top to bottom.
- Don't forget a new set of kidneys. - Let's go, Annie.
Come on, wizards. Let's wiz.
My old lady always said you can't make a pig's ear out of an old sow.
Monsieur, your old lady was not Pierre.
Huh!
- Wait a minute. He can't go in there. - Oh, that's all right.
Believe me, fellas, it's all right.
(door opens)
(butler hums cheerfully)
- Hey, boss, you payin' for all of this? - Fun, eh?
Let's see if we can get it back from the bookies. What's running at Hialeah?
- Here's the morning lineup. - Thanks. Read 'em off to me.
People! Go figure them.
- Scratch 5, 7 and 12. - Right.
(snoring)
It's important that these apples are kept here all the time.
- What's your handle? - Pardon?
- Your name. - It's Hutchings, sir. Hutchings. With a g.
OK, Hutch. This oughta take care of the help for a while. Split it up amongst them.
- They know to keep their mouths shut? - And their ears.
- Told 'em what'd happen if they didn't? - Yes, sir. (imitates machine gun)
- Don't do that, please. - (door opens)
(snoring)
(woman) Oh, my feet. I never wanna see shoes again.
(muttering)
(imitates fanfare)
Gentlemen, may I present Mrs. E Worthington Manville.
(# "March" from "The Nutcracker Suite" by Tchaikovsky)
She's like a cockroach what turned into a butterfly!
Dude,
I'll never forget this.
Never.
God bless you.
Well... You... You could've fooled anybody.
Well, you're gonna need a little walking-around money, so...
here you go.
I guess everything's all set now, huh?
Good luck, Annie.
Joy Boy, Junior, come on.
- How do we contact Little Switz? - They call your apartment every hour.
- We make the next call. - Hey!
- Where do you think you're going? - I did what you wanted, didn't I?
I postponed my wedding a week because you asked me to make a lady out of her.
Don't think you can run off and leave me holding the bag. No offence, Annie.
Look, woman, the Dude has gotta make some bread.
If I can stall my wedding, he can stall his short cut to Sing Sing.
For Pete's sakes, Queenie, what else do you want?
I don't want anything. But what about the husband she's supposed to have?
- Husband? - That's a man who marries a woman.
- Whose husband? - Annie's!
The Honorable E Worthington Shmerthington! Who's gonna dig him up?
Dude?
Louise...
my daughter...
does expect a stepfather.
Well... go get her one.
- Can't you do anything yourself? - Who's she gonna get?
- Shimkey, the blind man? Or Smiley? - You find her one.
You're the one who needs her, Mr. Big, not me.
I got cafeterias. I don't need apples.
The Dude's whole future depends upon this deal. Can you get off his back?
His whole future depends on Annie, and don't you forget it, frog-face.
- You're a troublemaker. - You're a selfish schtoonk!
All right, all right, all right! I'll find her a... a husband.
This is beautiful. All right, Joy Boy, go tell Darcey that the Dude ain't available
cos he's diggin' up a husband for some old souse cos he's nuts about her apples.
Where am I gonna find a husband?
In Macy's basement?
They don't sell 'em there, boss.
(Joy Boy groans)
Yeah.
Me?
You.
I think he'd be just precious!
Oh, that would be a great idea.
There's only one problem.
I got a wife that's very fussy.
She don't like for me to go around marryin' people!
Now, I know that might sound very selfish to you,
but she's very funny that way.
I know his wife. He's right. She's a selfish buffalo.
- Dude? - What?
I got an idea.
What?
I know one real gentleman I'm sure we can trust.
We? Oh, now we're all partners!
You know Judge Blake?
Judge Henry G Blake. That's our man.
When did you ever trust a judge?
For a proposition like this we need a guy with class, with dignity,
a gentleman of the old school, and...
a thief.
Judge Blake, the guy that told you you could shoot pool was yankin' your ankle.
Sucker's ready to bite.
Up in Providence, where I'm out of, an amateur like you would lose his pants.
An excellent argument for never visiting Providence.
I hate to do this to you, Judge, but I got a reputation to keep up.
- And that does it. - Astonishing!
Willie Hoppe couldn't do better.
You pool-hall poltroons.
Once again you lured me into a game with a master, solely for your own amusement.
- You're just warmin' up. Another game? - I came here to slay a somber afternoon,
not to be made sport of by Pecksniffian oafs.
Aw, go on, Judge. It's only a nickel a ball.
What do you say we double the bet one time?
Ten cents a ball? Why, that's a veritable fortune.
- Afraid, huh, Judge? - Afraid?
- I'll make it 50 cents a ball. - OK. You got yourself a deal.
Attendant, rack 'em up.
(laughter)
Hey, Judge.
If you will excuse me, while you break, I'll have a word with an associate justice.
Greetings, my intellectual giant. What brings you down to Kew in lilac-time?
The Dude wants to see you.
Your master's timing is most regrettable, my dear Junior.
- I have a plump pigeon in my sights. - Huh?
Within the hour Providence is going to provide next month's room rent.
- Come on, Your Honor. It's your shot. - By your leave, sir. My pigeon is cooing.
A little shaky, huh, Judge?
My boy, the impatient blade is about to descend...
on your red hick's neck.
- Oho! - (laughter)
That was the bedroom.
Over here, that's the billiard room.
Down here's the guest rooms.
- Pretty classy layout, huh, Judge? - Lovely, lovely.
The beauty of the Taj Mahal, the serenity of Melrose Abbey.
Sir, "If thou wouldst view fair Melrose aright..."
"Go visit it by the pale moonlight."
"For the gay beams of lightsome day Gild, but to flout, the ruins grey."
- Oh, my! - To Scott.
- He'll do. - Yeah.
Judge, think you could force yourself to shack up here for a week?
- Is he for real? - He comes with the coop.
If this is a deal, you get yourself a new set of rags and 100 clams.
What do you expect from me for all this opulence? I'm a poor hand at violence.
You're a lock for this gag. All you gotta do is be a husband.
A husband? Impossible. I'm twice a widower now,
thanks to my fleetness of foot and the grace of distance.
No, you don't have to marry the dame. Just be a husband for one week.
Queenie! Come here a minute, will you?
Judge, you've heard of Queenie Martin, haven't you?
My cup runneth over.
Queenie, meet the judge.
I told you I'd find you a good husband.
Madam, this is a great honor,
a rare experience,
and a pulsating pleasure.
Oh, Your Honor.
Yeah. With a new set of clothes he'll just make it fine.
Thank you. I'll do my best. But at my age the libido is most unpredictable.
Don't worry about that.
- What'd you say? - Your humble servant, madam.
And your eager spouse.
- That's the best offer I've had all day. - No wonder he's drooling.
Listen, you fricasseed Casanova. Not her. You're gonna marry Apple Annie.
- Apple Annie? - Apple Annie.
Even as a jest, Dude, that's an insult.
Junior!
Apple Annie. Preposterous!
A creature of the pavements, a... a... a frowsy hag, with the breath of a dragon.
Sir, despite my larcenous impulses, I am a gentleman.
Good afternoon.
Good afternoon, Annie.
Annie?
(Dude) That's Annie.
Apple Annie?
Annie, the judge was just saying how pleased he'll be to be your husband.
Thank you, Judge.
I'm deeply grateful.
The pleasure, I assure you,
dear kind and charming lady,
is entirely mine.
You're all set now, Annie. You got yourself a husband. Now you'll go to the boat.
Yeah. God bless you, Dude. God bless you.
OK.
Joy Boy, let's go.
Sure you don't wanna kill a couple of hours, take some family pictures?
Sir?
Sir!
Sir, pardon me.
I will see that everything is done, sir, notwithstanding my cardiac.
- What? - Oh, you can trust me, sir.
I've had commando training. The Boer War, you know.
I shall need at least a score of your henchmen, very rugged ones.
- A hollow square will hold them. - What are you talking about?
The ship's reporters. They interview the arriving celebrities.
They will want to know from the count why he came to America.
Holy Toledo. I forgot about the reporters.
- Why didn't you think of that? - Why didn't I think of it?
Come on, Junior. We gotta round up the boys. What time does the ship get in?
I hope it sinks.
Take a walk.
(ship's hooter)
(band plays "A Life on the Ocean Wave")
Has she seen the kid yet?
- She's still looking. - She's still looking.
- How do I look? - Beautiful. Like a star.
I can hardly believe it. In a few minutes I'll have my baby in my arms.
- Do you see her yet? - No, not yet.
Dude, stay close to me. I'm so frightened.
At least the boat's on time.
- What about reporters? - I took care of 'em.
The Dude has woven a chain of missing links around us.
(band plays "The Man on the Flying Trapeze")
Hey, look. There's Dave the Dude.
Yeah, with his whole mob.
Let's stick around. I've been waiting ten years to pin something on that Dude.
(ship's hooter)
There she is! There she is! Louise!
Louise! Louise, darling!
Louise! Louise!
Louise!
Louise! Louise!
She saw me. She recognized me.
Louise!
Mama! Mama!
Mama!
My baby. My baby.
My Louise.
I can't believe it, after all these years.
Why, you're a grown woman.
- And so beautiful. - Oh, Mama, you are too.
I would've known you anywhere.
What are they doin' now, Sal?
Huggin' and kissin'.
Is she happy?
- She's crying. - She's crying.
I want you to meet Count Alfonso Romero and his son Carlos Romero.
This is my mother.
- How do you do? - Madam.
How do you do?
Darling, this is your stepfather, Judge Manville.
Mother's written me so much about you, Father.
I want you to meet Count Romero and his son Carlos.
- How do you do? - Welcome to America, my dear Count.
We've looked forward to your visit with considerable relish.
This is a glorious moment for everyone.
Oh, how stupid of me.
- Louise, this is your, um... - Aunt. Aunt Betty.
- Aunt Betty. - And Uncle David.
- I never knew I had an aunt and uncle. - Yes, dear. David is your father's brother.
I'm so pleased. Mother never wrote a word about you.
That's because he's always been the black sheep of the family.
May I present Count Romero, and Carlos Romero.
This is my Aunt Betty and my Uncle David.
- How do you do? - Nice to meet you. Will you excuse me?
Excuse me. I'm the ship news reporter.
You lookin' for somebody, kid? What is it?
- You talking to me? - No, your Aunt Tillie.
- They made me the ship news reporter. - No kiddin'?
- I gotta check the passengers. - There's no passengers on that boat.
- What do you call those people? - Spanish sailors. They all dress like that.
- Hey, what kind of a gag is this? - This is no gag. You gotta go to pier four.
- The Jersey ferry just hit an iceberg. - Then it got shot up by a submarine.
- One of ours. - A catastrophe.
- Terrible thing. - Worse than the Lusitania.
Take this man to pier four in the Bronx.
- Pier four ain't in the Bronx. - It's in the Bronx. It moved.
- How many is that? - That's five, and we're runnin' out of cars.
(man) You wait here while I get Count Romero.
You will come with me.
Take a walk.
I want you to take some very good pictures of the count.
- Can I help you, mister? - I doubt it, sir.
- I am the Spanish consul and... - I was just looking for you.
- You were? - Yes. Immigration.
We're holding Count Romero because of some rare Spanish disease.
Rare disease? But there is no such thing as a Spanish disease.
- Lieutenant. - Yes, Sergeant?
It's worse than expected. They say they'll take the count away in a straitjacket.
I'm sure the consul here can straighten things out.
- Take the consul to the count's cabin. - Aye aye, sir.
- This way. - Don't get too close to the count.
This is fantastic! I am going to take this to the secretary of state himself.
You should, sir.
Looks like the Dude's got a new swindle going.
The Dude's too smart to pull anything in the open. Let's go.
Wait a minute. Let's have a little chat with him anyway.
OK.
(Smiley) Gangway. Gangway. Gangway.
Mr. Dude, sir, a couple of coppers are comin' to put the arm on you.
Holy cow.
Junior, start a brannigan. Sock the Weasel.
- Sock the Weasel? He's my brother! - Don't argue. Sock the Weasel.
- Hey, Weasel. How's Ma? - Ma's OK. She's all right.
Good.
Ma told you not to hit me no more!
Fight!
(women scream)
- Amscray. A couple of ullbays. - Folks, I think we'd best be on our way.
(police whistle)
Hi, fellas.
Boy, have I seen New York in the past four days!
Boss, Queenie says for you to eat these sandwiches.
- How's tricks with the social mob? - It's going so great, I'm scared.
First thing, breakfast on gold plates.
Then Queenie herds us into the car and we go sightseeing all over.
Did you know New York was an island?
- What do you want, boss? - Got a pastrami?
Yeah. Ma thought I was nuts.
Hey, Joy Boy. We passed by a zoo, and what do you think I saw? A cow!
Here's your yoghurt.
- Guess who's buried in Grant's Tomb. - Will you leave me alone with the tomb?
You're sure the count ain't talked to nobody?
Count Romero? He don't get a chance to talk to himself.
When the judge runs out of gas about cowboys and Indians, Queenie sings.
- Enough already! Please! - You ain't heard nothin' yet.
You should see the way Annie looks at her daughter - like she was a banana split.
Hey, boss, those two kids better get married, or else they're gonna bust.
See? I told you guys.
Helping that old doll... it kinda gets me, right here.
You know what I mean?
You know, boss, it gets me too. Only higher.
I hate to tell you where it gets me.
And I'm gonna tell you.
You're playin' with your darts, and you're happy with the banana,
but me, I'm scared.
Three days and nights we're waitin' by the phone. Darcey ain't called.
You know what that means? I can feel the bullets.
Darcey's gotta knock us off now, or we're done.
All right. I don't complain. No.
You say no bullets. All right. You say no guns. All right.
No bodyguards. All right. You say don't lock the doors. All right.
It's crazy, but I've been with you for ten years. I'll go along for the ride.
But not this. I'm not gonna sit here, sweat, feel hot lead, and at the same time
listen to that sugar-coated malarkey about the beggar woman and her daughter.
That's all! Finished! Done! Goodbye!
(phone rings)
That's Darcey.
I wish I could worry like him, but I don't know how.
Talk.
Aw, for cryin' out loud.
It's Annie's butler. That's the bum from the Boer War.
Now what?
Yeah?
I'm sorry to trouble you, Mr. Dude,
but the count just asked me to telephone the Spanish consul.
- What does he want to talk to him for? - I don't know why.
But I did hear him say that he was tired of sightseeing
and he wanted to meet some people.
- Joy Boy, how's your Spanish? - As good as my French. They both stink.
Junior, did you learn anything from Spanish Lena?
Spanish Lena was a Hungarian.
Don't nobody know nothin'? And where's Queenie?
- Put the sucker on. I'll fade him myself. - (door buzzer)
It's open.
Hey, you're Darcey's boys.
Mr. Darcey don't never send "boys".
- Mr. Darcey wants to see you. - We were waiting for his call.
Why don't you make yourself at home?
And you were worried!
Hello? Hello?
Soy el conde de Romero. ¿Por qué no fue a recibirme?
(Japanese accent) Very sorry. Nobody home. They all go far away.
They all go... California.
Lots of sunshine in California.
So this Japanese houseboy. So sorry. Ooh, very sorry.
No, I'm very sorry, they're not home.
Ooh, very sorry. No, I'm very sorry. They're not home. Nobody home. Just me.
OK. Bye-bye.
That's very good, Mr. Moto. Now let's go do some business.
I'll be with you in a minute. Where is Little Switz?
- We'll take you personal. - Yeah.
But first I have a little personal business. I wanna stop off and buy my apple.
You ain't stoppin' nowhere. Mr. Darcey's through playin'. Up!
You, fancy-pants, over there.
You, Mr. Apples, over here. Turn around.
- Turn around! Up! Up! - All right, all right.
- Hey, your hand's bleeding. - Oh! Argh!
- This way, gentlemen. - We'll tie 'em, lock 'em in the bathroom.
When he gets his apple, we'll be back to pick you up. Now get in there! Move!
Wait. Lock 'em in the closet, Joy Boy. They may just wax the bathroom floor.
- Yes, sir? - I am Señor Cortez, the Spanish consul.
- The Spanish consul? - Yes.
- Is Count Romero to be found here? - Well... I don't believe he's in just now.
- So if you'd care to leave your card... - Señor Cortez?
Señor conde.
Count Romero will receive you.
It has been very difficult for me to locate you, Count Romero.
This is most confusing. I just had your office on the phone,
and your Japanese houseboy assured me you were out of town.
- Japanese? - Sí.
What would I be doing with a Japanese houseboy?
- That is what we were wondering. - Very strange.
- May I? - Sí, sí.
It is my impression that there's something peculiar about Mrs. Manville.
- Mrs. Manville? Peculiar? - Yes.
I've telephoned several society editors and they know nothing about her.
- I would be very cautious if I were you. - Of what?
- Father, I resent these insinuations. - You did not even meet me at the pier.
Believe me, I was there.
But an official told me you were having difficulty with your shots.
Shots? What shots?
A gentleman from the immigration service said you could not land
because you had contracted a peculiar disease.
And later, the ship's captain told me you were a guest of this Mrs. Manville.
Señor, I had no trouble landing. I am in perfect health.
You are a most confused man.
When I try to reach you on the phone I find your confusion has spread to your staff,
where a Japanese listens to Spanish and answers in pidgin English. Caramba!
Señor, give the gentleman his hat.
Very well, Count Romero. But in taking my leave, let me add only this.
That a bellboy in this very hotel assured me that this penthouse
is permanently leased by an American novelist named Rodney Kent.
Is this the way our diplomats conduct our affairs? Questioning bellboys?
Good day, sir. This episode will raise some eyebrows in Madrid.
- Rodney Kent! - It's ridiculous.
For years Louise has corresponded with her mother at this very hotel.
- If I may, sir? - Sí, sí.
Thank you.
- Rodney Kent does live here. - What?
In these books, sir. See?
Pulitzer Prize winner.
The judge - Judge Manville - writes under that name.
Ah. Ah!
- After the fashion of Mr. Mark Twain. - And O Henry, Father.
O Henry. Sí, señor. Yes.
- I trust this confidence will be respected. - Of course.
Thank you.
Tea is served, sir, on the terrace.
Now, what are we gonna do after tea?
- What does the count like to do most? - Well, he rides a bicycle a great deal.
Six-day bicycle races.
Great. I'll call for tickets.
Oh, dear Count, I have such a surprise for you.
We just decided to go to the six-day bicycle races at Madison Square Garden.
- But we'll not be here for six more days. - Hi, everybody. Just came to say hello.
And... buy one of your delicious apples.
Oh, here we are. You see, Count, it's sort of a family joke.
I always feel that these apples bring me luck.
What a charming idea. I have the same feeling about onions.
- What is it, Hutchings? - A journalist to see you, sir. Second call.
(Dude) That guy out there is a reporter.
(judge) What provoked the curiosity in this wretched scribe?
- He requests a biography of Mrs. Manville. - Absurd.
Brother David, perhaps you can handle this inquisitor?
Don't worry about a thing, Judge. Everything's taken care of.
- What's the pitch, Brisbane? - From the society desk at the Star.
I wanna do a feature on Mrs. E Worthington Manville.
- She's not in the Social Register. - Not in the Social Register?
Or the phone book, not even the Yellow Pages.
Did you look under M's?
Look, I'm tired. The Spanish consul called my editor...
- Say, aren't you Dave the Dude? - What is he talking about?
Sure. I seen you around Queenie Martin's club.
You know, you're wasting your time with society news.
You could be a great big reporter, and we could give you a great big story.
Yeah, but we better go someplace where we won't be disturbed.
- Isn't that right, Uncle David? - That's right.
- Do you want to step this way? - Right this way.
No more sightseeing. No more buildings.
Mrs. Manville, I have come to know your daughter that well
that I love her like a father.
Thanks... Thank you.
And so I wish to announce I will be greatly honored
if your daughter will accept the proposal of my son in marriage.
Congratulations, Carlos! This is a great moment, a historic moment.
The union of our two families. The Montagues and the Capulets.
My dear Count, this calls for a real celebration.
That is exactly what I was coming to.
It will give me the greatest pleasure to announce the engagement officially
at a reception for a few of your intimate friends.
Reception?
- With people? - Sí.
- Father... - No, no.
Relax and enjoy yourself, newsboy. You're living at the Marberry.
- It was nice meetin' you. - (muffled cries)
Watch your diction, watch your diction.
Reporter's taken care of, Judge.
Uncle David, congratulate us. Carlos and I are engaged.
You're a lucky man, Carlos. Congratulations.
Brother David, I just told the count we'd make the announcement at the reception.
Fine. Well, I'll see you folks around.
Reception? What reception?
The count wants to meet some of our friends.
A modest affair. Nothing elaborate.
Just the intimate friends of the parents of the bride.
About... 100 people, did you say, Judge?
100... friends?
You're the only one who can handle it, David.
- We must tell Aunt Betty at once. - Aunt Betty will be the first to know.
Brother Henry, would you come with me? I think we have to make up a list.
Mrs. Manville, I hope there is enough time for the preparations.
Why, you two-bit pool hustler. Sit down there. Sit down!
- I told you not to get used to high living. - It was the count's idea!
- I oughta belt him. - Now, now, godfather.
Do you know what this windbag's got us into? A reception for 100 people.
(door opens)
- Where do you think you're going? - I'm fleeing from Armageddon, sir.
With my cardiac condition I just cannot take unhappy endings.
- So I'm off to join Mr. Kent in Havana. - With two broken legs?
My legs, sir? Oh, they're quite...
Oh. Oh!
Very cleverly put, sir.
Thank you, sir. Yes. Not at all.
You!
- You'll break the poor lady's heart. - Why didn't you stop it before it started?
- Oh, there you are. - So we gotta throw a party.
So we just herd up a bunch of freeloaders.
Society freeloaders. The count expects 100 of the Four Hundred.
Annie only knows people from sewers.
Which reminds me. You got a couple of sewer rats trussed up in the closet.
Darcey's mugs. I forgot all about them.
The Weasel's in Annie's place, so I'm here.
Somebody tell me how I got into this pot. I didn't wanna be dealt in in the first place.
You, Queenie. You were the one who suckered me into this.
As long as I was minding my own business in my own racket, it was fine.
But then I had to start to help somebody, had to be the big man.
And will you look at me now?
I got oost into this old dame's life,
I got a couple of hoods, a couple of hatchet men, stashed in that closet,
- a reporter guzzled up in the penthouse... - You got three reporters in the penthouse.
- Three? - Two more showed up so we bagged 'em.
That's kidnapping. Do you know what the newspapers'll do to us?
Does it still kinda get you a little bit, right here?
- The butler says there's enough food. - That's it. I've had it.
You, Junior, bring those Darcey orangutans to me right now.
I like that butler. Calls me "sir", bows to me. Makes me feel like a broad.
You take care of those reporters till I square the beef with 'em.
And you go tell your friend Annie to take her business around the corner,
because I am through, I am finished!
Oh, boy. And just when you were starting to act like a human.
Queenie, you got 30 seconds before I pick you up and throw you out.
You know, some people toss charity balls for homeless cats.
They even build zoos so wild animals live good.
- You get arrested if you whip a horse. - 10.
Good people help, Dude. What are we?
Did we ever build a bridge or plant a seed?
- 20. - We're nothin'.
We're all a bunch of grabbers, looking for the best of it.
- Just once, couldn't we help somebody? - That's it. You're through, sister.
Yes, we're gonna help somebody. We are going to help me.
I'm gonna make any kind of a deal Darcey wants. Unless we've blown it already.
Hallelujah! I'm gonna drink to you. It's my first in five years.
Do I infer you're stranding Annie on the rocky beach of despair?
I've had just about enough of your hot air too, Judge. You - out!
And you - out. Both of you - out.
That's it. School's out. Everybody out.
I hope we're not interrupting anything.
Louise! Darling!
Uncle David just told me the good news.
- My heartiest congratulations, Carlos. - Thank you.
- I hope we're not intruding. - Not at all. You're a breath of spring.
We were just taking a walk and Carlos had the most wonderful, sweetest idea.
- What is it, Carlos? - No, no. This is not the time. Or the place.
Of course it is, Carlos. He thinks the world of you, Uncle David.
- Louise. - What is it, Carlos?
Well, sir, I... that is, Louise and I...
Yes.
...we would be most pleased if, when the time comes,
you will consent to be godfather to our first child.
He'd be delighted.
Uncle David's already an experienced godfather.
Oh, Uncle David! I love you so much.
Thank you, señor. I am very honored, and my family is very honored.
- And if it's a boy we'll name him after you. - No.
Louise, we cannot take up any more of their time.
No. I'm sure you have so much to do, arranging the reception on short notice.
Goodbye.
- About 100 people, you said, Judge? - Not just people.
But citizens of style and grace. And this above all: daisies who won't tell.
Dude's gang!
Now, there's a bunch of daisies that wouldn't dare squeal.
With the right clothes they'd pass off as kings.
- They would? - Well, look at Annie.
The count fell for her. And you and me.
And Carlos thinks the Dude is a young Abe Lincoln.
And the count even swallowed Joy Boy, and I can do better than that in a pet shop.
If you weren't a broad I'd kick you right in the stomach.
And my old chorus girls.
Why, they'd make the most glamorous society queens this town's ever seen!
Indeed. Why not? The world goes round in make-believe.
Louie the Lug - with a carnation in his buttonhole, he'll look like Grover Whalen.
(Queenie) The Weasel'd make a great secretary of war.
The Weasel as secretary of war? No, he don't rate no more than an alderman.
Dude!
Why, the Weasel'd make as good a secretary of war as anyone you can name.
No, I think he'd rate an alderman.
Dude, you're gettin' hooked again.
You know what? You almost had me walking out on poor old Apple Annie.
Queenie, call your broads. Judge, call Boyle's pool room. You know the number.
- I'll call... - Dude... Dude!
Round everybody up.
They was knotted real tight. Good thing I was a boy scout.
Mr. Darcey ain't gonna like this.
You tell Mr. Darcey he's got a deal, but on my terms. He delivers me $100,000 cash.
And no more of you popgun monkeys showing up or else I ain't gonna like it.
Would you kindly connect me with Harry the Horse?
Honey, forget the house party. I need you now.
Cheesecake, roust out the boys and take 'em to a Turkish bath, will you?
What do you think, what for? A bath, you jerk!
Hey, Joy Boy, get ahold of whatshisname. Rosy, the suit man.
That's a good idea. I'll have him measure you all for straitjackets.
(all talking at once)
(Louise) # I gave my love a cherry without no stone
# I gave my love a chicken without no bone
# I gave my love a ring that had no end
# I gave my love a baby
# With no crying
# I threw Carlos a flower
# And blushed a smile
# My love threw me the autumn moon
# And laughed a mile
# I gave my love a heart of love
# Wrapped up in pink and blue
# I'll give my love a baby
# Who'll look like you
- Keep singing. Please. - No, Carlos. It's your turn.
- I'm busy. - The wedding poem. You promised.
- Keep still. - You'll have to at the wedding feast.
Your father told me that every Romero for 1,000 years has had to do it.
- All because some silly ancestor wrote it. - I love it. Please?
You interrupt people at the oddest moments.
Please?
I hope nobody is listening.
For her, for whom I would walk through fire,
the great cathedral's heavenly choir sings God's angelic music.
Be still, my racing heart -
she is floating toward me as a winged melody.
I burst with a Spanish pride.
A thousand eyes, all moist and dewy,
share the lovely vision.
Behold: my bride.
- Mother! - Mrs. Manville.
- I was lonely for you. - It is my fault. Please.
I have a lifetime with Louise, and you only two days. I will see you later, Mother.
You do not mind my calling you "Mother"?
I'd like that... Son.
Thank you...
Mother.
You do love him, don't you?
So much it must show, Mama.
Today, when we were walking along Broadway,
a little old flower pedlar - a deaf and dumb lady - gave me this.
She insisted I take it, and she refused to accept a penny for it.
- Oh, Mama, life is wonderful, isn't it? - Yes, baby. Yes.
- Mama? - Yes?
You don't think anything can... can happen, do you?
- Happen? - I'm foolish, I suppose.
Maybe it's because I'm wishing so hard.
Mama, have you ever wished for something so hard...
Nothing's going to happen.
Nothing.
- (intercom buzzes) - Yeah?
- Captain Moore to see you, Inspector. - Send him right in.
- Anything on the missing reporters? - Nothing, Inspector. Not a thing.
The newspapers are crucifying us.
- You hear Winchell last night? - (buzzer)
- Yeah? - The commissioner's on the phone.
There he is again. Fourth time today.
Hello, Commissioner.
No, but I've got Captain Moore in my office right now.
- No, not a thing yet. - What do you mean?
I'm not gonna be made the goat for the whole department.
(intercom buzzes)
- What is it? - The mayor's on the phone.
- Didn't you tell him I was out? - He didn't believe it.
Hold on a minute.
Hello. Yeah, Chief. I was just talking to Inspector McCrary. Not a thing yet.
I have had a supersufficiency of "not a thing".
I want some action, and I want it quickly. Every editor in town is in my office now.
And you'll get a front-page editorial in my paper every day till something's done.
It is a very embarrassing situation when a reporter is not safe on our streets.
If the city can't do anything, perhaps the state can.
We'll take it up with the governor tomorrow.
I want you to find those three reporters, Commissioner,
or I will be forced to demand your resignation.
McCrary, you dig up those three reporters or I'll have to get myself another boy.
Captain, you have 24 hours to find those reporters.
If you can't, you'll find yourself on the other end of a broom at the horse barn!
- What is it? - I think we got an angle on the reporters.
- Speak up, son. - A funny thing happened.
Last Saturday I met one of the boats, to check the passenger list.
- Two characters shoved me into a car. - Why didn't you report it sooner?
They didn't hurt me, just drove me around the Bronx, then gave me taxi money.
- Any idea who grabbed him? - Not exactly.
Two of our men saw Dave the Dude at the pier Saturday night meeting some people.
- And with his whole mob. - Dave the Dude, hm?
It's not much, but we're beginning to look like a police department.
Captain, you better put a tail on the Dude. There could be a connection.
These are great, Judge. Just a few more speeches.
As Jimmy Durante says, "I've got a million of 'em."
"My dear Count, it is indeed a pleasure..."
I'm charmed to meet you, Count. I'm charmed to meet you...
- All right, hold it, everybody! - Quiet! Quiet!
Listen. Queenie, take your broads to the other side of the room.
- You guys, I want to talk to you. - Guys over here! Broads over there!
Come on, move it! We ain't got all night.
You guys, you gotta remember something.
You're not a bunch of bums. You're a bunch of gents.
Dude, you gotta make 'em stop with the pistols. They making holes in the lining.
I thought I told you to tell 'em to leave the rods home.
- Weasel, I told you - no rods! - No rods. Come on, you guys.
If we don't act like gents, we'll bollix the whole schmear up tomorrow night.
Now, you all got the speeches the judge wrote for you.
You know who you are, huh? I don't have to tell you?
- Who are you, Slops? - Governor of the State of Utta.
- State of what? No, no. State of Utah. - Utah, metah...
Look, will you read the speech the way the judge gave it to you, please?
Don't yak too much. Smile all the time. That'll get you by anybody, even kings.
Kings, yeah. But these mugs? You smile at 'em, you get a hand on the knee.
You've had so many hands on your knees, deary, you wear gloves for stockings.
OK, settle down.
Dude! If any of your he's make passes at my she's...
- No passes, no passes, no passes! - You hear that? No passes.
- No passes? Gee, what a party pooper. - I don't wanna hear no more from you.
Dude, this ain't a good speech the judge gave me.
- You handicapping speeches now? - This count's from out of town.
- So what? - I tell him he's lucky to meet Apple Annie.
You wanna tell him you'll fix him up with a couple of dames? Just read the speech!
(all talk at once)
Cheesecake!
Tell 'em to be quiet. Quiet down, guys. Will you please be quiet!
Why aren't you practicing?
- I've been practicing. Only... - Only what?
I'm as good as Louie the Lug is, and if he's ambassador, I oughta be a king.
Secretary of the interior is bigger than an ambassador.
I ain't as dumb as you think. A secretary's a secretary.
All right, all right, brain. I'll make you the postmaster. All right?
That's more like it. I save stamps.
- Yeah. Judge, you got a new postmaster. - Check.
Come here, Mex.
Give the speech to him now.
- You're the count. - I thought I was the governor of Florida.
Will you just please pretend you're the count for a minute?
Go ahead. Shoot.
Count, Your Honor...
it's a rare... privy...
- privy... - What are you talking about?
"It's a rare privilege", jackass!
Does it say that? I didn't think I was supposed to call the count no jackass.
- You're giving me a headache, you guys. - (booming voice) Me too!
What a bunch of ignoramice. Ignoramice - that's more than one ignoramouse.
Yeah? You too, huh? Here.
- (clears throat) I'm losing my voice. - Start practicin'!
- I am charmed to meet you, Count. - You stink.
Jerk.
No, you don't. All we need now is a crying drunk.
Give me one good reason to stay sober.
You thought all this up. You straighten out this menagerie.
- Hey, guys, listen to Miss Martin here! - Quiet down, everybody.
- Quiet! - Quiet.
- Quiet! - Quiet!
Let's do one thing at a time.
Forget the speeches for now and we'll concentrate on the bowing.
- Judge, show 'em how to bow again. - It's quite simple.
The movement is at the waist, with a graceful gesture of the hand - thus.
What's so difficult about that?
Head waiters do it. Foreigners do it - can't even speak English.
All right, listen. Have a he and a she, pair off and practice the bowing.
- All you broads over here! - Come on, girls.
Pick out a guy and start bowing.
Don't forget the gesture with the hand.
Bow. Everybody bow. Bow!
If I'm sober, why do I see things like this?
Does the board of health know about this epidemic?
(woman screams)
- What's the matter? - Him.
He tried to pick my pocket where there ain't no pocket.
(uproar)
All right, hold it! You guys ain't taking this thing serious. And you gals ain't either.
But this is serious, all right.
It's murder.
You're probably saying "What's in it for us?" I'll tell you: nothin'.
I mean, nothin' that you can put in your pocket.
After all, did any of us ever plant a bridge? Uh... build a bridge or plant a seed?
For once, could we just do somethin' nice for somebody?
This is for old Apple Annie.
If something goes wrong tomorrow night, there's no telling what'll happen to Annie.
Maybe she'll put her head in the oven - the perfect solution.
So come on now. We're gonna practice.
We're gonna get in there... Tell you what. Make believe it's for your own mother.
I oughta do somethin' for my mother. They won't let me see her in solitary.
(Dude) Now start practicing, everybody.
I say it again and again and again.
This will never work, this will never work, this will never work.
Happy days.
The music must be soft and mellow. Nothing harsh, nothing raucous.
Just the gentle drip of rain upon an autumn leaf.
- Yes, sir. I'll lay on the silk. - Splendid. Keep it schmaltzy.
(hums "The Marseillaise")
- The new men? - Yes, sir.
- Trustworthy? - Completely.
- I'm just loving this, sir. Aren't you? - Hutch, in here it's Christmas.
Quite.
# Jingle bells, jingle bells Jingle all the way...
Yes.
As Pascal said: the heart hath reasons that reason itself knows nothing about.
A handkerchief.
- A handkerchief. - It's in your hand, ma'am.
Yes, of course.
Lola, do I look all right?
The head waiter at the Ritz would give you the best table.
God bless you.
See for yourself, Mrs. E Worthington Manville.
You'd make Cinderella look barefoot.
I don't know who that is in there.
I hope the whole thing isn't a dream.
Give me my basket.
Apples? Apples?
Your beautiful dream's coming true, Annie.
God love you. Everybody's so wonderful... and I'm so scared.
- (knocking) - Come in.
Shades of Aphrodite, goddess of beauty!
Oh, that man just fills a room.
Never in all my questionable career
have I feasted my eyes upon such divine loveliness.
Cut it out, Judge. When's the Dude coming?
8 o'clock, my fluttering dove, and bringing the best-trained social lions you ever saw.
- But can they fool the count? - Fret nyet, my pet.
You'll behold a miracle. Orchids bloom where weeds once grew.
- What if they make mistakes? - The Dude'll kill 'em.
- The poor dears. - Pull yourself together, dearest.
You're the proud mother of a daughter whose engagement is being announced.
And don't think of mistakes.
If any mug pulls a boner, I'll flood the room with a torrent of oratory.
- You're wonderful, Judge. - I know. Here's the receiving line plan.
You stand next to me,
then Louise, then the count...
- Yeah. And where am I? - Right here.
Dude and his mob are at Queenie Martin's.
- What are they doing there? - I don't know.
It sure looks big. They got a line of cars out here a block long.
- Stay on his tail. Don't let him get away. - Right.
Let's close off the block.
Confidentially, at times I'm a bit ashamed of my fellow Americans.
The way they fawn over celebrities, particularly you titled nobility.
- I think that is charming. - They're like children.
Tonight in your presence they'll probably stammer
and appear to be tongue-tied and awkward.
- I beg you to make allowances for them. - But of course.
Different countries, different customs.
Which reminds me, Judge.
There is a custom in my country which is not a custom in your country.
I have been hoping that you would speak about it.
- Indeed, sir? What's on your mind? - The dowry, my dear Judge.
As yet, nothing has been said about the dowry.
- The dowry, huh? - Sí.
I am aware, of course, that in America it is not important.
But in my country it is the first arrangement.
In your country, yes. In my country...
The dowry, huh? I don't know what to say, Count.
- You crept up on me on that one. - I beg your pardon?
I mean, this is so totally unexpected.
Don't you think it's... a bit vulgar to speak of money?
Well, let us be vulgar, then, for a moment.
I am willing to make a settlement equal to 50,000 of your dollars.
- You are? Of my dollars? - Sí.
I have been hoping that you would be willing to make a similar settlement.
Willing? Yes, yes, of course. Willing.
Ah. Old Napoleon.
Join me in a nippy with Nappy?
Delighted, Judge.
I see you keep your billiard table in excellent condition.
- Do you play? - Do I play?
Señor, in Barcelona I am the champion.
Well, now, isn't that just...
- You don't say? - Sí.
Perhaps... a little game before the guests arrive?
I can think of nothing that would give me greater pleasure.
(both hum cheerfully)
- Oh, about that dowry, Count. - Yes, Judge?
It just occurred to me, as the young folks are going back to Spain to live with you,
- I should give the whole amount. - Oh, no, no.
I could not let you bear the entire burden.
But it's no burden, my dear Alfonso. So, the matter's settled.
Please, my dear host.
You are so gracious. You make me feel ashamed.
- I shall take care of the full amount. - It's silly. We could debate this for hours.
In America we have methods to settle such differences.
- We toss coins or pull straws... - (chuckles)
- What's so amusing, Alfonso? - I could take advantage of you, Judge.
Indeed, sir? You wouldn't suggest a billiards contest?
(Alfonso chuckles)
(both chuckle)
(# "Blue Danube Waltz" by Strauss)
- (phone) - That's enough. You'll start sweatin'.
(Junior) No sweatin'! Nobody sweats!
- Dude, it's gonna work, so help me. - Get your coat, baby.
Dave! Come here. We're in, kid, we're in.
It's Darcey. Says you can write your own ticket. Yes or no?
On my terms, Darcey?
All right. I'll tell you what you do.
You bring Little Switz to pier 84 at midnight.
And bring the cash.
- What do you think of my apple now? - I love it, I love it, I love it.
Ready, Dude.
Folks, Queenie and I are leaving now. The rest of you follow in groups of four.
- And, Junior, you take over here. - Good night.
Good luck, Dude.
Queenie, the Darcey deal's all set.
On my terms.
I'm gonna need you now more than ever. So don't leave me.
OK, Dave.
Anything you say.
That's him.
Mr. Dude, there's cops all around the place.
Thank you, mister.
(Junior) Like the boss said, you walk out...
- Boss, what's the matter? - There's cops out there. Millions of 'em.
- Cops? - What do we do now?
We can't go over to Annie's. They'll follow us.
Queenie, get the judge on the phone. We gotta stall 'em.
- What are they doing out there? - I don't know. I don't figure it.
- I didn't do nothin'. - Let me think.
- What amazing luck. - I've been very fortunate, haven't I?
24-24. You realize, you make this shot, you win?
Really? This shot seems practically impossible.
I have seen it made.
It's a seven-cushion shot with high, delicate right-hand English.
- That would take an expert. - I beg pardon, sir.
Mrs. Manville's brother-in- law on the telephone. He says it's very urgent.
I shall be there directly.
- You made it! - Most fortunate. Most fortunate.
- The judge... expert. - Oh, sir, I beat him regularly.
Thank you, sir.
Hello, brother David. Congratulate me. I just saved you $50,000.
Knock off the lousy jokes. We're in a jam. The place is surrounded by bluecoats.
Cops?
I don't care for that at all, my dear Dude.
Would you suggest that I fold my tent and silently scram into the night?
You better stay right where you are.
- Just stall 'em. I'll figure something out. - Figure fast, Dude.
I'm notoriously poor at bag-holding.
- What is it, Henry? - Nothing, my dear.
I heard you. You said something about cops.
- They're not coming here, are they? - Of course not.
- Don't lie to me. Tell me the truth. - Don't get yourself all worked up.
If something's going to happen, I have got to know.
I'd rather tell them the truth myself.
Mama! Look what the count gave me to wear tonight.
It's an heirloom that used to belong to Queen Isabella.
- It's beautiful, dear. - It's going to be mine after the wedding.
Carlos hasn't seen it on me.
(door closes)
She's a lovely girl, isn't she, Judge?
- Don't you think she's lovely? - Angelic, my dear.
What am I going to do?
Suppose the count calls off the wedding.
She'd hate me.
Don't be silly, Annie.
She'll want to know who her father is.
What am I going to tell you? You see, I was never married.
You won't have to tell her anything. Now get a grip on yourself.
Dude'll come up with something. He always does.
Before this evening is over, I expect a complete apology from you.
- That is why I asked you here. - My dear Count.
Nothing would give me greater satisfaction than to be proven an imbecile.
What time do the guests arrive?
Well, no one arrives first, sir. They all come in last.
- Hey, Boss... - Will you knock it off?
Those bulls out there ain't got nothin' on me, or they'd break that door down.
But how am I gonna get all these people to Annie's without them cops tailin' us?
- You've got one ace in the hole. - What's that?
- Give 'em what they want: the truth. - The truth, to the cops?
Are you out of your skull?
Wait a minute. I got what they want.
Yeah.
I'm gonna go down and see the commissioner and make a deal.
- The commissioner? - Right. Take over, Junior.
- Joy Boy, come on. - I don't like it. I don't like the whole thing.
Everybody, up on your feet.
I didn't like the way you bowed. We're gonna do the bow.
- (moaning) - Let's go.
Look, all I ask you, Commissioner, is you just lay off me for tonight.
That's all? Don't you want me to give you the keys to the city too?
- What's your mob doing at Queenie's? - Nothin' that would interest you.
You see, I just can't tell anybody about it.
But if you'll just give me a base on balls for tonight, I'll save your badge.
- What do you mean, save my badge? - You wanna find those reporters.
- You got those reporters? - I got friends.
All I gotta do is just spread the word around those friends
and those newsboys will show up tomorrow just as good as new.
All I ask you is, please, just lay off me for tonight.
I don't make deals with bums. You'll have a police escort until they show up.
Wait a minute. OK, Mac, I'm gonna tell you something.
I got those reporters, and they ain't showing up until I'm good and ready.
- Now are we gonna do business? - Sure, Dude. We can do business.
- Frisk these guys and book 'em. - What?
You can always do business with the police.
- This ain't gonna get you no place. - Get me the mayor.
He's throwing that big party for the governor.
- When he finds out what this is about... - Why drag the mayor in?
I bet he'll make a deal with you too. He'll probably settle for about 50 years.
There's nothing crooked going on here. When you hear the story, you'll laugh.
I'm laughing already, Dude. I been waitin' ten years to laugh at you.
- Hello, Chief. - Hold it. Just before you talk to him...
Joy Boy, I told Queenie I'd tell the truth.
I'm gonna give you the truth. You'll think I'm nuts, but it's the truth.
It's like...
- Well, it's... - Like a Mother Goose story.
That's right. It's like one of those stories you tell the kids when you put 'em to bed.
Hold on, Chief. Dave the Dude - bootlegger, racketeer and gambler -
wants to tell me a beddy-bye story.
OK, forget it. I'm gonna hang before I let any fink of a cop give me the horselaugh.
As for you, Mr. Mayor... You tell Mr. Mayor he'll never see those reporters again.
- Dave the Dude is in my office. - I've gotta use the phone.
He admits he's got those reporters.
Good work, Commissioner! Dave the Dude admits having the reporters.
- Dave the what? - Fancy-pants ex-bootlegger.
- Excellent. Have they arrested him? - Of course, Governor.
But what do you suppose will happen now? A bail bond and he's out laughing.
- That's ridiculous. - That's the way things go down here.
Of all the nerve. Who does he think he is? He can't make any deals with the police.
There's an example, Governor. You see? He makes deals.
The Dude says if we don't let him alone tonight we won't see the reporters again.
- Why, this is outrageous. - Don't get excited, Governor.
It's quite the customary procedure.
Bring the Dude up here.
That's exactly what I said. Bring him without delay.
Don't worry about my guests. This is more important.
You criticize my administration. Let's see what you can do with him.
- I'd send a criminal like that away for life. - Here's your chance, Governor.
All right, Slops, up on your blisters. You ain't bowing right.
Lay off, Junior. I've bowed so much, I've got a callus on my bellybutton.
- Come on. Bow. - Sit down, Junior. Save your strength.
(phone rings)
Hello. Dude?
You're where? With the police?
You're gonna go over and pick up the reporters?
Poor Annie.
All right. I'll go right over.
I feel sorry for the whole stinkin' world.
- What's it gonna be? - It's all off.
Send the suits back. I'm sorry. You can go home. Thanks for everything.
- That's a shame. - (murmurs of disappointment)
You learned how to bow, didn't you?
- I wish I could cry. - (glass smashes)
Come on, Junior.
There's nobody at Queenie Martin's.
No, no, Annie. Don't do anything foolish.
Mama? Isn't anybody coming?
Mama, what's wrong?
Louise, baby.
If you should... If anything should happen...
Mama?
- You wouldn't hate your mother? - Don't say things like that.
Is the count in the living room?
What is it, Mama?
La commedia è finita.
Send the waiters and the musicians home and call a doctor. Where's poor Annie?
Annie, I'm so sorry.
Count Romero, I'd like to talk to you for a minute, please.
I'm sure you must know there's nothing in the world I want more
than for my daughter to marry your son.
She loves him. Loves him very much.
And I know he loves her too.
Ever since Louise was born,
I've lived for one thing:
her future.
And when she wrote me that she'd found someone she loved...
I was the happiest mother in the world.
Count Romero, I know you came to America to find out all about us,
about Louise's family.
- No, no, señora... - No, I don't blame you. You have the right.
And it would be terrible after they were married to find out that...
that Louise's mother was...
someone you would be ashamed of,
that even Louise would be ashamed of.
- That's silly, Mama. - Mrs. Manville...
Let me go on.
I wanted this talk so you would find out all about me.
First of all, Count Romero,
I must tell you that... I am...
(voices of crowd approaching)
(# "Minuet" by Boccherini)
His Honor, the Mayor of the city of New York.
Go ahead, Mayor. It's your idea. Start beaming.
My dear Mrs. Manville. So good to see you again.
The last time I had the pleasure was at your party at Briar Cliff.
I will never forget it. It was a brilliant affair.
This, of course, is Louise, the image of her late father.
- You're giving us the good news tonight? - So nice to see you, dear.
You look just lovely. Have you seen Lord Ferncliffe lately?
- Welcome to our city, sir. - You look younger than in the newsreels.
Indeed? Thank you very much.
This is my son Carlos. His Honor, the Mayor.
And you are the lucky young man. Congratulations.
His Excellency, the Governor of New York State.
(applause)
My dear Mrs. Manville, what a pleasure to see you again so soon, and so radiant.
And this is the fabulous Louise.
I've always admired you, so her beauty doesn't surprise me. You know my wife?
(wife) We're so happy to be here. We wouldn't have missed this for the world.
(governor) Count, allow me to welcome you to New York.
I'm crying.
Dude, I'm crying!
- Joy Boy, look, I'm crying! - All right. I got my own troubles.
(sirens)
A police escort. That is more than we get in Barcelona.
It's nothing, my dear Carlos. I've had many a police escort.
How about that?
The mayor, the governor, the cops.
I thought they were all crooks.
Why did they do it? They gotta have an angle.
Delightful experience. Made me feel ten years younger.
Are you still gonna investigate the mayor's administration, Governor?
I don't think so. I think we'll postpone it.
I must call the commissioner tomorrow. I made his life miserable the last few days.
...the engagement of their daughter Louise
to Carlos Romero of Barcelona, Spain, at a gala reception last night, and so on.
Take it from there and include a complete list of the guests.
- And that's your story, all of it. - But what about our being snatched?
You weren't snatched. You were out on a drunk.
- Drunk? - Drunk.
# We're going to the boat to see her off
# Singing Polly Wolly Doodle all the day
Happy days must really be back if you bums are taking cabs now.
- Pipe down. We're with the governor. - Dry up. We're godfathers.
# Fare thee well, fare thee well Fare thee well, my dear Louise
# For we're going to the boat to see her off
# Singing Polly Wolly Doodle all the day
(ship's hooter)
(band plays "A Life on the Ocean Wave")
Little Switz? It's parked right behind you.
He's waiting. He's got 100 G's in small bills.
Boss, you got business. Can I have the night off? I gotta go see Ma.
Wait a minute. Listen, Dave. My wife, I ain't seen her in a week.
And she's this way again, so...
- What do you say we split a cab? - Come on.
(ship's hooter)
- Elizabeth. - Yeah.
Huh?
What was the name of that town in Maryland?
Now, come on. Quit bawling.
(ship's hooter)
My baby. My darling. God bless you.
Adiós.
(band plays "Auld Lang Syne")
Courage, my pet. Don't faint now. Courage.
Goodbye, Louise! Goodbye, Louise!
- Goodbye, Louise! - Hey, hey, hey!
Why are you standing there with your mouths open?
The crowd on this dock is loaded. Start hustling.
Cos I'm gonna raise you one buck a month to work on Broadway.
Goodbye, Louise!